Hardest Confession - Purely The Hardest

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I can be the winner for the Award of Highest Insecurity Level.

It's not that I'm thirst for compliments or sympathize.

I just feel this way.

I feel that I'm fat. Fats are all over My body. I'm ugly. I'm frickin' ugly. If I could ever ask the Wonder Mirror from Snow White, the Wonder Mirror will break into pieces before He could answer My question. All these Eye-bags under My Eyes, this unfair skin tones, these scars all over My body and legs, this dry lips (all the time). I need 10 Inches of Makeup to cover up all My ugliness. But, still. I'm still ugly. Why can't I be pretty and dazzling and hot like My friends? I'm a lazy woman, I don't even know how to cook. People simply said it to My face, that I don't even know how to cook.

Even My Parents told Me the same. That's make Me wonder. What happened to the passed years that I've been cooked for them? Haven't they taste it? Haven't they see them?
I'm short. I can't change that. It's in My genetic. And all of My Wisdom Teeth already grown up. My hair such a mess. I don't have long-beautiful-shiny-soft hair.

I am stupid academically. People actually look up towards those Who are good in Maths. Unfortunately, I'm against Numbers. Probably I can write in English. Probably, just probably. But no one actually impressed with that. Instead, nobody cares. I mean, yea. Everyone can write. So? What's so special about writing/journalism? I can't do Sciences, because I'm just bad at that.

I've tried all those. I'm not good in anything. I'm expecting Myself to be good as others. But, clearly I can't. It's just not My field.

I'm not a real-woman. Why did I say that? Because I don't even know how to walk, eat, be pretty, be responsible, behave as a Woman. Neither I walk like Man, nor Woman. I walk like Panda. I don't know, I'm just saying.

I have no talent. Seriously. I'm the only Human with no talent at all. I can't sing, or dance, or act, or draw, or makeup, or be fashionable, or be flexible, or be unexpected. Or whatever talent You could list of. I just, can't. I have no talent. I try to involve with a lot of things just to discover My talent. I just have none.

All in all, I can say that... I'm nothing. I'm nobody to everyone's eyes. It's okay dear self. *Patting on My back, by Myself* You have always feel like this. And You've always pat and calm Yourself by Your own-self. Because no one will actually see or feel or understand the way I feel about Myself the whole time.

Dear Boyfriend, I'm sorry You have the most annoying and pathetic and ugly Girlfriend. If one day You would love to leave Me, I understand why. But if You can hold to this, even though I may be the most terrible person in this world, I will try to love You more than anyone could ever do. I'm still trying to be Your best even though...

I'm sorry dear self. I'm sorry.

Ruqayya Fuad

Essayist

If anyone can have it, I don't want it

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