have a surgeon appoinment at 8:00AM (11April 2016). I received a Reference Letter from Ampang Hospital Specialist. That letter adressed to KPJ Tawakkal Surgeon. I was stunted when its' written "The Disease in remission." But the Doctor told Me not to worry. The best option is doing Major Operation of Biopsy. 

I have a lump in My right breast. I have so many commitments. I have to keep happy. But, who knows My exact feelings? I do understand, Mama did her chemoteraphy for 6 times and 5 times radioteraphy before. But, I might do it again after that 12 times of chemoteraphy. It sucks. But, if I need to do it for second time, IT FRICKIN' SUCKS. 

I have to stop crying. People won't understand how painful it was or it is. I almost gave up for several times before. Hey, it sucks.
Every person in this world has INSECURITY. Insecurity is a feeling of lack of confidence and a little bit of social anxiety. The feeling of inferiority.

I have insecurity as well. Of course, everyone wants to look at his/her best in front of everyone. It gives impressions. And as for Me, I just want to look presentable as well.

But, I don't look good for the sake of pleasing other people's eyes. I pleased Mine first, then I think about people. I have only 14 Selfies in My Phone. I am not a photo hoarder. 

Whatever You've said about Me, it simply make Me think that I am an attention whore that do things just for the sake of others' eyes. Hmm.
I read few Tweets on certain things about Hukum. And somehow, those people on Media Social simply put laws with saying it is based on Islamic Laws while actually it wasn't.

Recently, I read a statement "Niqab bukan trend. Tapi pakaian sunnah."

What the fuck? Niqab is not "Pakaian Sunnah". There is nothing wrong by wearing Niqab. Seriously. But putting Niqab as 'Pakaian Sunnah'. It's wrong. Sunnah means "The way of life of Prophet Muhammad." There is no Sunnah nor Hadith of Rasulullah saying on Niqab as "Pakaian Sunnah".

In fact, Islam puts limit towards the believers. Islam hates on exaggeration. That is why, Islam says beware on wearing Niqab, it shows a little bit on being extremism. However, Islam never encourage nor discourage the believers to wear Niqab. After all, it depends on the intention.

"Inna mal a'malu binniyyah."

Again, I am not a good Muslimah. Insha Allah one day. But please, don't simply put laws on things You don't even know.
Honestly, I feel kind of lonely. This loneliness helps Me grows My OCD even worse. To calm My anxious mind, I keep cleaning things. To cover up this loneliness, I do cleaning and tiding. To use each and every single second given to Me, I do cleaning as well.

I do feel lonely even though, Abah, Mama, Siblings, Tuah and Safwa are here. I feel the emptiness since I can't meet You that often though. We are closer now, but We can't meet frequently. You're half of Me. Part of Me is empty. You take partially of My heart and My life. Can I meet You oftenly. Please?

I keep taking part in almost everything in UIA, just to cover up My emptiness and loneliness. I do try to overcome those. I do try to overcome My clingy-ness and dependent behaviours as well. Yes, I do take this as challenge :') I'm extremely happy to be Yours. I trust this relationship that both of us are madly in love with each other and can't even bother to check up on anyone else. But, I still need to meet You. To fill up My emptiness for quite a time though. 

Damn, I've been too emotional for this. I miss You Wahyu :') I cannot run from the fact that, I miss our long chat and jokes. Your smile, Your scent, the way You seemed so focus on something, the style of You try to not burst up nagging Me for being childish.

Seriously, I miss to talk to You for hours about everything even on the silliest topic. I miss how You stare into My eyes and touch My face. I'm so lonely 😒

Of how You smile at Me when I try to crack jokes, the way You tease Me, even for the way You pranked Me. I miss everything. I miss the way I feel so filled up by Your love. The way I used to be not so empty and lonely. I do understand, You are working, for our future. You try so hard to build our dreams to get married. I know. I'm so sorry for missing You so much. It's just the inevitable feeling.

Come here Baby, and wipe off My tears πŸ™πŸ»
The next day, I started My first Chemotherapy Session. Over all, I have to finish 12 times of Chemo Sessions. I went to Ward 7B of Ampang Hospital. They had several check up on Me. They took quite a painful number of My blood to test either I have Hepatitis or other diseases as a record for Ward. My chemo session will start at 9:30AM - 7:30PM (Average Count).

After My first chemo session, I can go Home. I was quite dizzy, I have no appetite . I was mood less, and I don't feel like wanna talk to anyone. After 10 Days of Chemo Session, I need to come back to the Ward for Bone Marrow.

It was a minor surgery, since I was half-conscious. And I swear the pain after the surgery was EXTREMELY PAINFUL. I try to smile and show to everyone that I am strong. But seriously I can't. I cried every night, and sometimes I cannot get up from the bed. Right after surgery was done, the rule was I must not get up from the bed for at least 6 Hours. I need to lay down in the same position for 6 Hours.

Thanks Mama who gave Me foods and drinks, and of course thanks Allah for give Me such strength to survive them. After My first chemo session, the Doctor from IPR called Abah. I was confirmed of having Lungs Pulmonary Tuberculosis as well. Those Tuberculosis cells started to damage My lungs. To treat that, I have to eat 4 types of medicines for 7 Months (Every SINGLE DAY). And the effect of the Medicine are the same as having Chemo. So, basically I have double Chemo. HAHA.

After My first chemo session, I went for second. After the second, Doctors were so OVERLY ANXIOUS about Me. Since even after 10 Days, My White Blood Cells counted as 0%. They thought there must be a mistake. So they made several time of blood test. I was so weak. I cannot survive for a long time without White Blood Cells. Nurses giving Me Booster Injection for WBC to grow faster. Alhamdulillah I was survived.

Then... After My second chemo session I need to make the Chemo-port Operation. It was again a minor surgery as I was fully conscious during the Surgery. I've been talkative as usual. Then, the CT Scan again. After the fifth chemo session was the weakest one.

I was vomiting blood, I cannot eat anything. I cannot get up from the bed. I cannot feel My legs. My Parents brought Me back to the Hospital. They put Me in ISOLATION ROOM. I was isolated. I was half-paralyzed. 27 Hours of comma and when I woke up, everyone in the room was wearing masks and some kind of weird apron including My Parents. They cannot touch Me because of My TB. The Expertise came, and said that I am having Chemo's Appendix. So they dripped Me with antibiotic for 4 Hours. 

I cried. Because for every 3 Hours, the Hospital Cleaners will come and clean everything that I touched. It was compulsory for EVERY ONE to put on mask and synthetic apron if they want to see Me. And only two visitors in 1 time are permitted to visit Me.

EXCEPT Mama. She doesn't even give a damn about those rules. She doesn't even want Me to feel isolated. She didn't put any mask or apron when She took care of Me. She had been nagged by the Nurses, but She just couldn't care less.

Long story get short, Alhamdulillah I finished My 12 times of Chemotherapies. Lots and LOOOOOOTSSSS of challenges. And Mama, She is ALWAYS there for Me. I studied for Final Exams, and completed My Assignments when I was in the Hospital.

I managed to attend My Final Exams. Alhamdulillah, good things come later. I managed to get 4 Flat for My Final Semester. Thank You Mama, Abah, Baby, Angah and Along. And of course friends who helped Me, and took care of Me. Especially Enoy who was My Roommate. She helped Me A LOT. She bought Me foods, took care of Me, gave Me medicines and all. And if You've ever feel the world is unfair, You're unlucky or unfortunate, remember this. I was quite less-fortunate before, but I've always thinking "I am so lucky to just have this type of disease. How about other People who perhaps could not even open their eyes, or talk to their Mum?" I mean, there are so many people out there being less-fortunate and still they could feel so lucky. You just need to be stronger, because be strong is the only option You have.

I completed all My treatments in 24 July 2014. I pray, this Cancer will never come back to Me. Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.
About 75% People died because of this Cancer. However the percentage to survive is 85%. I've been called out forward to tell the full story about this.

I was in high fever starting on 16 November 2013. I was caught fever just at night. I was quivering, three layers of blanket covered Me, but I'm still shivering. My back was sweating but I feel so damn cold like the room temperature was -24 Degree Celcius. Each and every single night since then, I caught out high fever. During the day, it was so frequent for Me to be fainted or weak. I felt so damn weak, I could not even focus during the lecture.

I was just entering My Final Semester in Diploma in English (UPSI). I started to feel anxious about My health condition, I thought that I might having be suffering Dengue. So, I went to UPSI Clinic, they made the Blood Test. The Doctor said, I suffered Anemia. It means, I have abnormal count for Red Blood Cells. Normally, People should have <12 of Haemoglobin. But, I have only 8 Haemoglobin. The Doctor told Me, if My blood count start to fall again in a week, they will give Me blood (From the blood bank). Indeed, they gave Me Vitamin B12 as to help My blood cells to grow.

I eat them as been scheduled. Each and every day, I started to feel so uneasy, I just wanted to vomit all over the place. 4 Days after, I have a MUET Writing Test. I literally fainted when I was answering the Reading Test. Mama and Abah sent Me to PUSRAWI Hospital, and I was admitted. They dripped Me with Saline Water, and I woke up. I got admitted for 3 Days, then I got back to the class as usual.

But, I still feel the same (High Fever at Night, Fainted during the Day). Then, after 2-3 days I realized there was something swollen at My neck. At first, it was only one, later it had been three of them. I called Mama, Mama told Me "Tonsil je tu Dik, sebab Adik demam. Nanti Adik baik demam, Dia hilang lah."

I tried to pinch them, then it was so frickin' hurt that I could literally feel the pain straight to My brain. I knew it must be something wrong. Since then, I started to cough. Non-stop of coughing like hell. I got back to KL, then Abah brought Me to KPJ Tawakkal to check up upon the three swollen unknown things on My neck. They sent Me to their lab.

The doctor asked Me to lay on the bed, and I was a little bit nervous. He took out a syringe, the needle was rarely big then He injected Me with the needle, as the syringe tried to pull out a small amount of cells from the unknown swollen things on My neck. They need to have some experiment on that thing. I swear it was seriously painful, but I was "Doctor? Dah ke? Tengah bagi Bius ke tu?" I thought, it was the pain relief injection. 

2 Days after, the Doctor called Me back to give the result. They said, they can't find what is in the cells. It was like a unknown multi-celullar organism. After all, the Doctor suggested for Me to go to Institut Perubatan Respiratori (IPR), as He suspected it was ONLY a Tuberculosis (TB).

So, Abah brought Me to IPR as been suggested. Again, IPR took several amounts of My blood for blood test, the TB Test Injection, Phlegm Test (ANNOYING), X-Rays. I swear those tests have been repeated for more than 6 times. But they gave the pre-assumption, I was free from Tuberculosis. But, they suggest us to go for Biopsy Operation.

Again, Yup. Back and forth to the Hospital. Abah brought Me back to KPJ Tawakkal for Biopsy. Before I begin the operation, I need to do the CT Scan.

I've done the CT Scan. Later, there were 3 Expertises came to My room. The Asthma Expertise, the Lungs Expertise, and the Neurology Expertise if I'm not mistaken. All of them hoping that it will be only Tuberculosis.

The next day, I've started My biopsy. It was a major operation, which means I was fully unconcious. The operation took about 1 Hour and 30 Minutes, then I was half-realized it was 12:30PM, and I asked Nurses to bring Me back to the ward as I wanted to see My parents and I didn't want them to wait for Me that long. Nurses brought Me back to My room. I saw My siblings and My parents were waiting for Me anxiously. Then I've been unconcious again. I sleep from 12:30PM till 7:00PM, and I haven't eat anything since 10:00PM the day before. Mama tried so hard to wake Me up, as I could hear Her voice, but I didn't have the strength to give respond. Later on, I tried so damn hard to open My eyes and talk. Quickly, Mama gave Me some food that She bought. I was admitted for another 2 Days. Then, I went back Home and waiting for the Result of the Biopsy Operation.

Again, the doctor called Me to come to KPJ Tawakkal for picking up the Result. At first, He can't even smile at Me or look into My eyes. Then, He asked Me to lay down on the bed, and He checked Me up a little bit if there are any other swollen things. 

Then, He asked Me and Abah to sit.
Surgeon : Jadi, ini lah result nya.
Me : *Looking at the letter cluelessly* Maksudnya?
Surgeon : Adik menghidap Hodgkins Lymphoma Stage 2B.
Me : Apa tu?
Surgeon : Sejenis sel kanser. Kami tak dapat nak kesan berapa banyak sel kanser yang ada dalam badan Adik sebab setiap satu sel kanser tu ada lebih banyak sel-sel lain.
Me : Jadi? Macam mana ni Bah?
Abah : *Stares at the ceiling and window* I know He was trying not to shed any tears.
Abah : Rawatan jenis macam mana yang ada Doktor?
Surgeon : Banyak. Ramai orang survive dari Kanser ni. Cuma, kena rawat secepat yang boleh. Tak boleh tangguh. Sebab boleh jadi Leukimea.
Me : Ni jenis Kanser camne? Tak pernah dengar pun?
Abah : Is is like Leukimea?
Surgeon : Yes. It is almost the same cancer like Leukimea.
Me : Oooo. Nanti Saya kena Kemoterapi ke? Radioterapi?
Surgeon : Itu jenis-jenis rawatan yang ada lah.
Abah : Tawakkal ada buat Kemoterapi? Hospital mana yang buat rawatan ni?
Surgeon : Tawakkal tak buat. Tapi Ampang Puteri buat. Tapi Tuan, 1 kali kos Kemoterapi quite costing.
Abah : Berapa agak-agak tu?
Surgeon : RM12 000 per session.
Me : Takpelah Bah. Takyah lah rawat. Nanti baik Sendiri.
Abah : Apa consequences if tak rawat?
Surgeon : Adik, You are fronting with death. Ini bukan sakit macam Selesema or Batuk. Ini Kanser.
Me : Oh... Hehehehe. Okay. Will it be hurt?
Surgeon : *Complete silence*

So, My parents having a discussion about the treatments for Me. Mama was crying, and She hugged Me. She said,
"Takpelah Dik. Mama tau Adik kuat. Kita satu family ada untuk sokong Adik."

I cannot cry, I don't know why. I wasn't surprise. In fact, I was more anxious about My studies and My assignments. Those are undone works which I need to work out.

The next day, My Parents brought Me to Hematology Clinic of Ampang Hospital. There was the first time I met a quite famous Expertise of Blood Cancer (Dr. Ong). He was in His forties, 5 Feet tall and wearing spectacles.

Dr. Ong : Okay Adik. Meh Saya tengok Medical File kejap.
Dr. Ong : So, You've been diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma Stage 2B. Apa yang Saya tengok sini, Adik kena mula kan Kemoterapi secepat mungkin lah.
Me : Kemoterapi tu macam mana?
Dr. Ong : Dia cuma masuk ubat saja.
Me : Rambut Saya akan gugur ke?
Dr. Ong : You jangan risau, Semorang pun macam itu.
Me : Hahaha Saya tak risau pun. 
Dr. Ong : Jadi, memang ada aa benjolan tu dekat bahagian perut You, tengkuk, and Your pelvic area.
Me : Oh Yeke? Saya ingat kat Tengkuk je.
Dr. Ong : Dia merebak cepat. Tapi sebelum tu Kita akan buat Bone Marrow dulu and CT Scan.
Me : Bone Marrow tu apa?
Dr. Ong : Itu ambil sikit saja air tulang sum-sum belakang sini.
Mama : *Cries and cover her face with Her palm*
Me : Okay. Emm macam mana dengan class Saya? 
Dr. Ong : You stop study dulu okay? Because bila You start kemo, You tak boleh bercampur dengan orang. Your immune system will be Zero. You kena jaga sebaik mungkin diri You dalam tempoh kemoterapi.
Me : Stop?! 

Seriously, I wasn't crying starting from the first as I've been told that I was diagnosed with Cancer, until the Doctor asked Me to stop My studies. So, I refuse to stop My studies, as I persuade Mama to talk to the Academic Advisor.

But then, I'm at My weakest point when the doctor asked Me to stop My studies. I cannot help Myself from bursting out tears in front of everyone in the Doctor's Room. Mama hugged Me so tight, She asked Me to keep calm. Abah tried to remain calm, and not to cry in front of Me, so He walked out from the Doctor's Room, but then He came back and hold My hands. At that moment, I feel like throwing up a chair, punch the table and smash the curtain and all. I feel so damn angry with Myself because of having such a disease which messed up with My plan to finish My studies. But then, the Doctor tried to make Me calmer, so He asked Me if My parents could discuss with the Academic Advisor regarding this matter.

And so, We went back Home. Everyone is waiting for us to know the Result. I was remain silence and watch the television, but all the time My mind was thinking about My Tests and My Assignments. I have no idea who should I tell about all of this. I was pretty messed up. Abah was remain silence as well. He didn't have the strength to talk about how His child's health. I know He was heartbroken.

Then Mama.
Along : Mak, Adik macam mana?
Mama : Kena kanser lah. Macam mana lagi?
Baby : Habis tu macam mana nak baik kan?
Mama : Kemoterapi 12 Kali. Mama tau, sakit sangat Kemoterapi tu. Kita kena bagi sokongan kat Dia. Korang jangan bagi Dia sedih ke apa tau. Sama-sama kuat dengan Dia.
Along : Dik, Kau okay ke? 
Me : Haa? Okay je kot.
Angah : Habis class Kau macam mana?
Me : Doctor suruh stop.
Mama : Tu Adik jangan risau. Kita pergi Tanjung Malim nanti, Mama cakap dengan Academic Advisor Adik. Adik ada Number Phone Dia?
Me : Ada. Lapar lah.
Abah : Adik nak makan apa? Abah belikan.

And starting from that, the family bonding become stronger. I was touched, like until right now with all the sacrifices of My family had done towards Me.